After spending a long time connected to various Facebook groups related to travel and traveling to France in particular, I’ve come to the conclusion that many of you want to make your trips as difficult and trouble prone as possible. So, as an experienced traveler who tries to avoid making things difficult, I present to you this guide on how to complicate things.

Pre Trip:

You can set yourself up for difficulties a vast number of ways in the pre trip phase, here are just a few possibilities:

Timing: Pick a bad time to go to France, August is probably top of the list, and July would be second. These months are hot, full of tourists, high prices and all of the French are off on vacation. Many restaurants will be closed and the rest of France will be crowded with not only American tourists but French tourists as well. Special bonus points to those who are going during the Olympics, Hotel prices are vastly inflated and even metro and bus prices are going through the roof!

Flights. Obviously if you can pick a flight that is mildly cheaper but stops in all kinds of places, you will enjoy the greater possibility of missing connections, getting weather delays and added malfunctions. Extra bonus points if you buy from a third party provider such as Priceline, Expedia etc. then should you need help, the airline is unlikely to even talk to you. Bonus points: Use French Bee, known to cancel flights for months at a time and not issue refunds.

Luggage: Packing heavy is great way to increase your suffering when you travel and particularly in France where you will be climbing stairs and staying in miniscule hotel rooms. So, by all means, bring at least 2 outfits a day, your travel iron, your 2 pound electric toothbrush, 4 pairs of shoes, none of which are actually comfortable for walking. Don’t forget the travel iron and the hair dryer, both of which will burn up when plugged in to 220v. Be sure to check your bag, as this adds to your ability to complicate things as it will get lost on one of the 3 or 4 stops on the flights you saved on.

Arrival/Departure Days: Added bonus for arriving and departing on Sundays or on a national holiday. CDG is not well staffed on a good day, but Sundays in France are sacred. While arriving on Sunday won’t likely be too bad, departing on Sunday is a complete disaster. All the senior people have the day off and you will be lucky to find one person stamping passports for the whole country. The usual 3 hrs. Early to the airport will be barely enough to get you to your plane. One other way to make things complicated, plan to arrive on a national holiday, Catholic saints day or a strike day. Strike days can be found at cestlagreve.com

Speaking French: Unless you already speak French, a great way to immediately offend people is to fail to say a brisk “Bonjour!” Whenever you enter a store or greet someone. But don’t worry, they will either ignore you, or refuse to engage until you say a proper bonjour.

Lodging:

A great way to cause yourself difficulties is to reserve an AirBnB in Paris. Because of the strict rules involved, Paris AirBnBs are notorious for last minute cancellations. I personally like using AirBnB, just not in Paris.

Another great way to make your trip difficult and complicated is to stay in cheaper lodging in either an outer neighborhood or a sketchy one. Hint: Anywhere in Europe, staying near the train station is never going to be a good neighborhood. If you really want to make your stay expensive and inconvenient, then stay near the Champs Elysees or near the Eiffel Tower. Both of these areas are expensive, full of tourists and not very convenient.

Laundry:

Choosing clothes for your trip can make a huge difference with how much hassle is involved. Want lots of trouble, choose white clothes! Also Jeans and other cotton type clothes will take forever to dry whenever they get wet. Synthetics will develop a stink that will never go away no matter how often you wash. Try for clothes that dry easily and don’t require ironing. You will enjoy European washing machines. These things are a nightmare of cryptic symbols and extended run times. Unless you choose the quick cycle, expect a load of wash to take a minimum of 3 hours!!! Also expect your clothes to be cooked to extremely high temperatures by the dry cycle. For some reason, Europeans think that running a load of wash for 3 hours saves energy! Don’t have time to wait? Too bad, once started the machine will hold your clothes hostage and the door will refuse to open for at least an hour! (Pro tip: Never to do your wash if you have a time deadline. Always start a load first thing in the morning, skip the dry cycle, with the right clothing choices, it will dry faster on the rack. Google model and make for an owners manual in English)

Transport:

Many of the Americans reading this are what I call “Transit Resistant.” This means that because they don’t use transit at home, they are resistant to using it in Europe. Note that in Paris you can buy a weekly pass that will let you use everything, in all 5 zones for 30 euros a week plus 5 euros for the pass. A terrific way to add to the cost and inconvenience of your trip is to rent a car, and of course the larger the car the more inconvenient it will be. Bonus points for renting an electric car, you will now have to worry about range, find charging stations, wait around while the car charges and figure out how to pay for it! And while French law requires an International Drivers license or certified translation, feel free to skip this as well. I’ve actually met people who have visited Paris numerous times and never used the Metro or the Bus system. If you want to truly make your life difficult and much more expensive, use Uber instead. Since Taxis can use special lanes as can the buses, by using Uber you are guaranteed a slower ride than any of the other options.

Trains are generally much faster and usually much cheaper cross country than driving. If you want to make things difficult, rent a car at CDG and drive, it will take longer and cost more. You will also get speeding tickets in the mail for months after your trip. The easy way is to take the train and then rent a car for just a day or two if you need. It. There are people on the Facebook group who repeatedly rent cars, and have problems every time and yet they still do it. Remember that out in the French countryside, transit is almost non existent on Sundays and grocery stores and many restaurants will be closed on Sundays. And since it is France they will also be closed on Mondays. And BTW, grocery stores out in the countryside will be closed from noon to 3:00pm, because who would want to purchase food at lunch time?

For bonus points, plan to leave Paris on Friday afternoon, or return to Paris on Sunday afternoon. These trains will be extra crowded and more expensive as most of Paris heads out on the weekends. Also an excellent time to experience a great traffic jam if you choose to drive. If you are not familiar with French trains, I strongly recommend you spend some time reading this before you do anything else: French Trains

Worrying:

Spending months worrying about your various connections and asking people on Facebook for their usually uninformed opinions about whether or not you will make it is a great way to increase your overall anxiety. Let me give you a huge hint, based on lots of experience. Fly to Paris on the non-stop from your city, then stay in Paris for one or two nights, then take a train from central Paris to wherever you need to go. This will end all of those worries about making connections. Please stop asking people on Facebook whether or not you will make a connections, nobody knows. Instead of worrying about whether or not you will make your connection, take the time to figure out when the next flight or train leaves and how frequent they are. Also check to see how full they are.

Jewelry:

Another great way of make your trip more stressful is to bring expensive Jewelry. This not only making you a target for thieves but you have a good chance of losing it just in day to day traveling. Do yourself a huge favor, put all that stuff especially the expensive watch that doesn’t do anything in your safety deposit box before you leave and don’t bring it with you. Get yourself an Apple Watch and put your credit card in the wallet for the watch, then you don’t have to get anything out of your purse or pocket to pay for things. Having a fancy Rolex or other watch makes you a target. Also skip the super expensive designer handbags and luggage, these are items that put a target on you.

Money:

So many ways to make things difficult. Many of you like to complicate your lives by being Penny wise and Pound foolish. Here are some ways to do just that: Travel with one debit card, this means that if your card gets lost, stolen, damaged or frozen you have no access to cash. Now you will have to wait for a replacement card to show up. Same with Credit cards. Many of you can’t see past the fees to understand that the high fee cards confer superior benefits way beyond their cost. Go ahead, stick with the no fee cards and lose out on your free trips, no transaction fees, delay insurance, free lounge access and free meals. One other way to make your life difficult, don’t get Euros ahead of time. By using an airport ATM you drastically increase the chance of fraud and you will pay top dollar for the privilege. Many of you love to walk around without any euros, life will get complicated real fast when you find out they only accept cash. For the right way to do it see my page on Money

Itinerary:

A great way to waste a lot of time and effort is to change locations frequently. Generally staying 2+ nights in any one place will give you some time there, racing through with one night won’t. One constant on the Facebook groups is people who seem to feel that they should plan every second of their trip. They also get bonus points for planning things that are geographically distant from each other. For instance, they are going to Versailles in the morning the Louvre after lunch and Montmartre in the evening. Pick a neighborhood, spend some time there. No more than one museum in a day.

The Eiffel Tower: What can I say?? You are going to do this anyway, but it is a great way to get pickpocketed, waste most of a day waiting in line and with little reward. Go for it! Really the Montparnasse tower has a better view and rarely requires a wait.

Cell Phones:

Another great way to really complicate your trip is to save money on roaming charges by not having a working cell phone. Many of you made the penny wise, pound foolish, mistake of buying your cell phone through your carrier so it is locked. This means that unless you unlock it, you are stuck with your carriers outrageous roaming charges. (Not you T Mobile and Google Fi customers) If you do have an unlocked phone, it is incredibly inexpensive to use an eSim. You will want to have google maps, the Bonjour RATP app, SNCF connect app, the G7 taxi app Transit app, and of course WhatsApp, Skype and so on. For how to use an eSim see my tutorial here: eSims

”Avoid the urge to make things complicated.” Lachlan Cooke

”You would be amazed at what you don’t need.” Lachlan Cooke

“Nothing unexpected and wonderful is going to happen if you have an itinerary in Paris filled with the Louvre and the Eiffel Tower.” Anthony Bourdain

“The absolute worst thing to do when you come to Paris is plan too much. Eiffel Tower, Notre-Dame, Arc de Triomphe, stand in line for hours to experience what everybody says you have to. Me? I like to take it easy in Paris, especially if I’m only in town for a few days. “Most of us are lucky to see Paris once in a lifetime. Make the most of it by doing as little as possible. Walk a little, get lost a bit, eat, catch a breakfast buzz, have a nap, try and have sex if you can, just not with a mime. Eat again. Lounge around drinking coffee. Maybe read a book. Drink some wine, walk around a bit more, eat, repeat.”

― Anthony Bourdain, World Travel: An Irreverent Guide

“In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.”

― Mark Twain, The Innocents Abroad